I've been debating starting a blog for some time for a few reasons:
Do people really care what I have to say?
Will anyone read it?
What do I even want to write about?!
Then I realized my corner of the abyss that is the internet is just that - mine. And I can do with it what I want. So, here goes my first blog post. My birthday is right around the corner. It's a serious number, but not a milestone...still serious enough for me to check in with myself, as I do from time to time, on what the actual fuck I'm doing with my life.
Over the last four years, I've endured a lot of change. As most of us have. But the troughs have been trying and quite literally taken me on a rollercoaster that feels like something out of Action Park or Rye Playland's log ride...remember that? (If you're just meeting me for the first time, I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised in The Bronx and please do not call me J.Lo because I might just have a mental breakdown). Sidenote: The log ride was wild because the only handles you had were on the sides, and they were undoubtably slipper AF. There were no belts holding you down securely. You were just fighting gravity, sweat, dirty brown water, and ultimately, life. But for some reason, it brought so much joy?! Am I alone here? I don't know. Core mems, if you will.
This year was particularly trying because on March 10, I had to make the decision to lay my sweet girl, Daisy, my soul dog of 16 years, to rest because she was simply in too much pain to keep going. I still don't know how I gathered the strength to make the decision but my best friend was by my side the whole time and I don't think I could've done it without her, even if I knew deep in my soul it was time to say goodbye to my girl. It broke my heart and I know I have yet to recover. It still feels like yesterday. And between you and I, there's a blanket on my bed that still smells like her that I sniff every now and then and it always makes me cry. But I can't bring myself to throw it away. Not yet.
Losing Daisy freed up a lot of time that I wasn't expecting to get back. When you're caring for a senior dog (and a needy-but-equally-sweet boy cat, Leo), so much of your day relies on routine. And then out of nowhere, that routine was broken. And in essence, broke me. I was crying on almost every single one of my video calls. You couldn't even say her name before a well of tears pooled on my eyes waiting to fall.
Ya know, I really hate crying but damn, do I cry a lot!
Lots of digressions here. Anyway...
All that free time made room for a lot of thought processing, journaling, and trying to fill every free moment with something because I just cannot stay still. But everything in my life was telling me, warning me to slow down. Eventually, I did and am still here learning to appreciate stillness. In that stillness, mixed with a sudden slowdown in entertainment (auditions, mostly for me), and just coming out of filming three TV roles–I've asked myself, is this really want I want to do?
And the answer is...yes.
The love that I have for acting is unmatched. Being on a set for the 14+ hours, bringing characters to life, challenging myself to go with my gut in auditions, the thrill of a take and then another and another and another...I can't describe how at home I feel. But, I just don't get enough of it. It's why I've taken on the insane task of writing content for myself. I've got three comedy pilots under my belt, none of which you've ever heard of before because I've been slowly pitching these to producers and production companies for years to no avail. Now, I'm in the process of writing two features - one of which I've been co-writing with aforementioned best friend for almost three years and another I just started this summer. Don't get me wrong. I do love to write. I often turn to writing when I'm bored or just for simple pleasure. I've written screenplays (correct format notwithstanding) that live in a black and white composition notebook from my high school days. More on that, another day. But, I've always felt a sort of begrudging complexity with writing because I am writing with the intention to give myself work. And there's nothing wrong with that but as an actor that's not a working-actor who can rest between various TV roles without having to worry about a paycheck, the wait for that "big break" can be incredibly exhausting.
I want it to be known that I do not care two shits about fame. In fact, I don't ever want someone to attach "fame" or "celebrity" to my name. I just want to be so busy on a set or a stage that maybe you've seen my work, maybe you recognize my face, but there are no paparazzi in sight. That is not what I'm in this for.
But, when I tell you I want so badly to be on a set bringing a character that I love so much (or maybe hate so much) to life, it's like I might as well get on top of the roof and scream it out for all of the neighbors to hear. I've asked many peers, is it this slow for you, too? And the resounding response is girl, yes.
So, as I sit here writing this, I hope for all my peers waiting for the next audition, their big break, or just a shot at doing something they really love...you are not alone. We're in this together. We're all waiting. But, it's up to us to fill in the gaps that make us whole so that when we're finally given a chance to make all of our dreams come true, we're so deeply rooted in our sense of selves that there's no other choice but us.
And I write this for you, but am reiterating it within my soul: practice patience and self-love. The rest will come when it does.
xx
Comments